i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
We are all done wearing pants today
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