I wannas sexs uuuuu
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize