My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
