Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
