Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
