My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
