I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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