She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
