She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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