Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
