My hand turned me down
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
