On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
