And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize