oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize