I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
We need to get me chipped asap
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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