ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
