my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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