i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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