She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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