My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
