Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize