Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
