My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Is it because I queefed?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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