I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
