Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
