I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
