Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
