Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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