The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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