Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
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