im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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