Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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