The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
