If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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