my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
50% drunk capacity currently
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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