So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
