Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
