if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
