when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
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