Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
