I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
