There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
