Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
