I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
