Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
i think im in europe. pls send help
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
