dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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