I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
