i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
i believe in u and ur pee
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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