i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
