i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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