You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
