I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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