I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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