The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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