Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
