So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
