If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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