I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
